Loneliness can be an active danger to our health. So how do we stop it? Changing how we think, starting slowly and purposefully, facing people honestly, and getting to know ourselves are some possible first steps
Why is loneliness bad?
Loneliness can be a physical danger to your health. You are worth taking your health seriously.
Besides the obvious– you’re here reading this for your own reasons!– there are many. The most important is the physical danger loneliness presents. Social isolation, which is almost considered a really strong loneliness, increases your risk for premature death.
Loneliness is associated with higher rates of depression, anxiety and suicide. Social isolation increases risk of dementia. The consequences are numerous, but hopefully avoidable.
Being alone, and being unhappy with that loneliness, is also just… not a good time. When we don’t have support, it’s hard to be our best selves. We all deserve to feel fulfilled in our lives, and working to help ourselves is the greatest thing we can do.
Start with your head
Focus on what you can do, not what you can’t do– your own life, and how you think about it, is most important.
The first step is to change how you think about it. Focus on what you can do, not what you can’t do. For example, if someone has passed, it’s important to grieve. Allowing yourself to focus on making other connections beyond them is also important for your recovery. If you’re physically impaired, and there’s nothing you can do about it, it’s equally important to think about what you can do beyond that.
This is connected to our online lives, too. I don’t know about you, but I have a habit of comparing myself to others. I see people online who have thirty degrees at 15 and go– well, why couldn’t I do that? They’re so much better than me.
But these comparisons help nobody. It’s difficult to stop doing it, but at the very least try to remind yourself not to. Focus on your own life. You’re unique. The way you came to be here is entirely different from how they came to be where they are.
As a unique person, your brain works uniquely, too. If you can take a look at how you feel and think about socializing, or the people around you, that can help. Allow yourself not to like things. Allow yourself to process things on your own time. Focusing on how you think can help you get an edge on how you react to things. This can make the unexpected (and possibly unhappy) easier to deal with.
Then onto slow, purposeful planning
Letting yourself ramp up to the big stuff gives you time to build confidence. Planning our days, and taking time out of them for others, gives you space to build connections.
Start slow. Too often, we start at 100. This takes up all our energy, and when it doesn’t work, we find ourselves more tired than when we started. We might decide it wasn’t worth it in the first place– but we started at 100, and gave up quickly. There just wasn’t time for results to show.
Consider these steps when beginning to branch out:
- Being around people, but not interacting
- A park, a zoo, sitting in a coffee shop
- Attending activities with people, but not talking
- A group painting session, Bingo, a class
- Purposeful socialization
- Book groups, clubs, and more
If you start out small, you can get used to things that feel difficult now. That makes us more confident when we branch out.
Planning our routines also helps. Consider– is your routine best for socializing? Does it allow for coincidental chats? Or do you spend most of your time being unreachable? Consider taking purposeful pauses to be around other people, even if you don’t talk to them.
A planner allows us to actively plan out our week. Just saying ‘I’ll definitely go to the library this week!’ can be easily dropped. It might be more concrete if you write it down somewhere, and make an active effort to make space for socializing in your day.
Another quick tip is to take 15 minutes each day to talk to someone. A quick call to your sister, a chat with a coworker about their day… These little moments help us feel more connected to the people around us.
Face people with authenticity
Being honest about yourself, asking people to be honest about themselves, and ignoring the instinct to cringe are some ways to become a friend other people want.
It can be tempting to try and be someone you’re not. Especially when you’re in a place where whatever you were doing before didn’t seem like it was working– and what you were doing before was being yourself.
Unfortunately, though changing ourselves for others might work briefly, it doesn’t last. All it does is create an unsteady foundation for your friendship. It’s important to be authentic when you’re beginning to reach out and make bonds.
Being ourselves (as corny as that is) and engaging are two of the most valuable tools here. The secret to socializing is this: everybody likes to talk about themselves. Well, almost everybody. Asking people about their lives, hobbies, family, anything, is a good way to get people to engage with you. Level it up even more by purposefully asking follow-up questions.
The second secret is this: release your embarrassment. Cringing away from who you are, or cringing away from putting in genuine, earnest efforts to make friends, only sets you back. The only people who judge you for this are people I wouldn’t suggest making friends with, anyway. It’s hard to get anywhere acting like nobody wants to talk to you. Act like they want to, and eventually someone will.
Of course, this isn’t easy. I am guilty of trying to change, or cringing at myself. These things take time, effort, and a little bit of luck. But they’re all worth building in order to help ourselves alleviate some of that loneliness we feel.
And get to know yourself
Knowing yourself is a good way to be a better friend to those around you. It can also help you make friends.
When trying to be less lonely, the instinct is to look outward. The people around you are the cure, right? Unfortunately, our brains are very confusing slabs of fat and salt. Sometimes before you reach out, you might have to reach in.
Being comfortable in your own company is a vastly undervalued skill. Learning more about yourself can also make you better at being around others— knowing what you value can help you make friends that value that same thing.
Try keeping a journal, even if it’s not consistent. Even jotting down your feelings on a post-it and immediately tossing it in the trash is something.
Check how you’re treating yourself, too. Are you treating yourself like a friend? Or like an enemy? If you’re working against yourself, it makes it that much harder to put in the effort needed to make connections.
Something of this magnitude (being an enemy to yourself, getting to know who you are) might be best accomplished with a therapist. They’re trained to help us be the best we can be– there’s no shame in taking advantage of that knowledge.
In the meantime, date yourself.
- Take a walk
- But not like maintenance– stop and smell the flowers!
- Use those fancy dishes
- Or that expensive ingredient in the back of your cupboard!
- Try that new place
- The one that you’ve been waiting to bring someone to!
You don’t need to wait until you have friends to do the things you want to do with them– start now!
It’s worth the effort
You are, in fact, worth the effort it takes to be less lonely. It’s a hard road, but our health and wellness isn’t something to take lightly.
At CaringConnections, we value meaningful engagement, genuine companionship, and working with you to do what you want to do. We would love to be part of your journey to a more connected and fulfilled life.
You can connect with us at hello@caringconnections.us or (512) 996-1434. We’d love to hear from you.