Wanting your parents to feel happier is admirable. Here we’ll discuss some good steps to helping them out. Focusing on their relationships, what they do all day, and keeping them sharp both physically and mentally, are great starting points.
Begin by changing the question.
Happiness is temporary, and hard to give someone again and again. Focus on fulfillment and assisting your parents’ ability to get there on their own.
The question “How do I make my mom happy?” has nearly the same answer as “How can I make anyone happy?”. The only difference is you know the subject better (at least most of the time). But the answers to both are just as hard.
First of all, you can’t. You can make someone temporarily happy, but that won’t stay forever– just like making someone sad or scared. Being happy also fluctuates from day to day. The happiest people I know have their ups and downs, so looking for that emotion all the time… it’s not realistic. Instead, this blog is taking a different approach to this question:
How can I help my mom be fulfilled?
This is likely what you’re actually after: giving your parents a better life. Happiness is great, but fulfillment is a more realistic way of looking at it.
Fulfillment is a difficult subject, and I’ve written an entire blog about it here. Take a look if you’re interested. But to summarize, it’s when you feel you’ve had the ability to be the best you can. Often, we get there through doing work with results, our community, the outdoors, and meaningful activities and hobbies.
Now that we know that, what do I actually do to help my parents out?
1. Relationships
Having good company, and something to look forward to, is helpful to anyone.
If you know anything about CaringConnections, you knew this was coming.
It feels like we all know support is important. But how important is it?
The most important, according to an 85-year-long Harvard study. Started in the Great Depression with 268 students, this study has one of the best long-term understandings of how we work. In it, they found this:
“Positive relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer. Period.”
From CNBC, here.
So it’s a little bit important that your mom (or dad, or grandma, or whoever you’re reading this and thinking about) has good ones.
You can be part of this yourself. Taking the time to create things to look forward to is especially helpful for our relationships. When your life drags on, day by day… more of the same every time, nothing to look forward to… it’s hard. It can make it difficult for us to keep up our positive relationships.
Even having a scheduled call at the end of the week is something to look forward to. If you can manage to have coffee with her every once in a while (even if it’s not as ‘often’ as people assume you should) that’s something. Our lives can keep us away from each other. Any touch base is worth the effort.
Outside of you, there are other relationships we can help foster. Even things like having the same hairdresser helps. If you have siblings, see if you can get them to do the same. Neighbors, church goers, nurses… these all can be routes for positivity.
You can encourage these bonds by not rushing things. Allowing small talk, letting them repeat stories, it’s all worth the effort. Notice who they end up near in their day-to-day, and look into helping them foster those relationships.
2. Money, money, money
Aside from our health & safety, it’s more important to have a job you like to do. Our day-to-day is our lives, so having a good one is vital!
This bit will always be the tough one.
It’s no secret that it’s hard to be happy if you’re hungry. It’s equally as difficult to be happy if you’re hurting, or your roof is caving in. Having a basic income is important to all of us. It’s important to make sure that your mom is as safe and healthy as she can be.
If she’s not, or money is an issue for both of you, there are local resources that can help. Googling is our bestie here– try searching this: [your concern (senior help, companionship)] + [Your state]. Here are some other things to start off with:
- SNAP
- Local YMCA
- Churches near them
- Meals on wheels
- benefits.gov
Aside from that, money actually becomes less important to us as we age. Especially to Americans. The focus turns to having a job you like.
Is your mom working? Is it at a job she can stand? Agism is real (even for those just around 50), and if she is working, she may be treated badly, or afraid to move jobs. Difficulties in rehiring may make a move seem insurmountable. Consider helping her with resume and interview prep to try and find somewhere better.
Related to our work are our hobbies. For those that are retired, this is sort of all there is. Some people I know and love spend nearly all day watching TV. Hot tip: usually, that’s not a gateway to personal fulfillment.
If you don’t already know what your mom likes to do, perhaps ask if there’s a career she wishes she could have gone into. Try some beginner classes in that area together. Or, start at the low end of difficulty and build a hobby in it. Just because we didn’t go to college for it at age 18, doesn’t mean we can’t foster a love for it now!
We all want to be engaged. If you can help someone find ways to have a rich life, instead of a boring one, that is helpful.
3. Our bodies
Fulfillment comes from within, a lot of the time. It’s easier to feel you’ve done your best when you’re also feeling your best.
Our bodies are pretty important. Shocking, I know. But it’s worth being said.
Believe it or not, sitting in one spot all day takes effort (Side note: you should be standing up every once in a while, too! Especially if you work an office job, or have been watching Bridgerton for the past 6.7 hours).
How many of us know a senior that just… sits? In one spot, all day? Nobody knows what else to do with them, so that’s what they do. Or someone who recently retired, who just stays in their living room 24/7? Because, I mean, they don’t work anymore, so… what else is there to do?
I’ll bet half of you thought of someone. This isn’t great. It’s much preferred by doctors (and our bodies) that we age actively. Not only should we enjoy our activities, but they should also be challenging. It won’t stretch your mind and keep you sharp if it’s dull and easy.
Physical work is first. Even if you’re wheelchair bound, there’s things to do!
- Dancing (YouTube has great guided seated dances)
- Chair yoga
- Regular stretching in the morning/evening
- Moving from room to room (even if it’s for no reason)
And some other ideas:
- Regular walks outside
- Taking the stairs when you can
- Swimming
Finally, you can’t forget your best organ. The brain needs work just like the rest of your body! Remember to challenge yourself. Fun is important, but so is keeping yourself quick on your mental feet. Here’s some ideas:
- Online games (like card games)
- Puzzles
- ‘Newspaper’ games (sudoku, crossword, etc.)
- Escape rooms with friends
4. You’ve already started.
Wanting to help is more than amazing. I want to personally thank you for being concerned about your mom. A lot of us are in that boat. It feels… insurmountable, a lot of the time. Even asking the question is worth some applause.
Please don’t try to do it all alone if you don’t have to. That weight can buckle a person, and in turn, can let down those you want to help. Asking for support is not a shameful thing to do. You deserve fulfillment, too.
And so does your mom. We all deserve fulfillment, especially in our older years. If something is hindering your ability to help your parents feel that fulfillment, Please reach out at hello@caringconnections.us or (512) 996-1434.
We get it, and we’re here for you.