Not having a community can hurt us in many ways. There are a lot of natural barriers to building one yourself, but there are some things you can do to create connections.
Community loss is hard
Having community allows us to have better lives. The loss of it hurts us.
Community is what makes humans, well, humans. Without it, we’d still be in the stone age, banging together rocks in hope of a spark. Or somewhere close. I’m not a historian (and I apologize to those who are!).
It’s what allows us to flourish. It’s having people to watch our back while we sleep. Someone to bounce ideas off of. It’s someone to take care of, and someone to take care of us.
And yet, we’re losing it. For a very small anecdotal example, my community is hundreds of miles away right now. I moved for a job, like many of us. It’s only been a few weeks, and I’m already feeling it. The loss is even in the simple things, these days. I had my appendix out a week ago– now I have to take groceries out in a hundred trips, instead of calling for help and doing it in two.
But I’m also more lonely. There’s nobody to sit near me while I write this, or play games with. I have less energy, without someone to cheerlead for me. When I’m sad, I stay that way for longer.
We value social connection. Having a community gives you a support network for when things go bad. But it also improves your day-to-day life, and that improvement allows you to live better, and live longer.
And yet, in many cases, we’re losing community.
It’s part cultural
America is individualistic, and focuses on youth. This, and other factors, makes it difficult to form communities.
America is very individualistic. Which means we champion self-reliance. Doing it on your own: succeeding without anyone’s help. Which, in turn, is very unrealistic, and makes it difficult to lean on others.
It’s often not culturally accepted to allow yourself to be helped. Needing that help is often seen as a weakness. We champion those that ‘stick it out on their own’, even if that hurts them. So when we find ourselves in the position of needing help, we just don’t ask.
That feeling compounds as we age. Older adults (even as we get into middle-aged, not just those considered ‘seniors’) become ‘invisible’ in the eyes of our society. We place so much emphasis on youth– the early years are the most important, right? Which means importance and the value of the older community goes to the wayside.
Individualism and age invisibility combine with even more factors.
- Children leave the home at 18
- Ageism
- Rising hardships with economy
When you aren’t valued by your culture, and asking for help is seen as taboo, attempting to form communities is incredibly hard. Even once we get past our culture, we then have to face other battles.
And part barriers
Sickness, being treated like a child, fear, and difficulties getting places can be hard hurdles to overcome.
We all know something that blocks us from doing what we want to. The everyday ones, like time, place, energy. But there are some more serious issues that can cause rifts in communities.
Illness/Disability
Often, sickness and disability confine us to our homes. With everyone else located not there, it makes reaching out that much more difficult. Online connections can be harder to create, especially if your energy levels are low.
Minimization of self control
There are many stereotypes with age. One of them is the assumption that you are less capable. This can make it hard to create connections, as the other person is coming from a place that minimizes your intelligence. Overcoming that is yet another hurdle in the community making process.
Fear
Hey, we all have it. I personally get very anxious about talking to people. I worry they’ll take me the wrong way, or I’ll do the wrong thing. Sometimes it keeps me from being fully myself. Not making connections out of fear it’ll go wrong is a common issue.
Gettin’ around
If you live in a rural place, you get me. Houses are miles apart, the city (one that’s not just one stoplight) is even further. That distance gets wider if you don’t have access to a car, or can’t drive.
Many places that aren’t rural can also have bad public transport. If it’s not safe or on time, you just don’t take it. Distance is a big factor when making friends and creating communities.
Each hurdle makes bonds that much harder to build. When we combine multiple, we can find ourselves grasping at straws and failure. After a couple tries with no results, it makes sense we often just stop.
What can I do to fix this issue?
If you have less barriers, and are able to help fix the issue, there are a few things that help.
- Create spaces for seniors
- Book clubs at senior centers, meetings near their houses, etc.
- Create spaces for everyone– but accessible!
- Set up carpool routes without being asked, easy online options, meeting them where they are, etc.
- Reach out to those around you
- Even those you ‘think’ are completely fine
- Take time to confront your own biases about aging
How do I get through this issue?
If you would like some community for yourself, here are some tips to get started.
- Religious spaces
- Often good for building bonds! Even if you aren’t as religious, they’re prepared to help and often come for community as well
- Reach out
- Often people that don’t reach out to you also want connection, they’re just afraid to be the one to ask
- Online spaces
- Blogs, social media, Facebook groups– all good places to start out with, on your own terms!
- Get your bases covered first
- Sometimes we have to focus on our health before going beyond. It’s hard, but if it’s something that can be healed, take time for you
Being upfront and wanting something is sometimes difficult. But the people around you are often more than happy to build stronger connections. We just don’t know how to ask.
Community starts with one person. It can only grow from there.